Fidelity: Let’s get real…

One of the thoughts that has done its fair share of swirling is the concept of fidelity. I understand the societal position but let’s get clear on a little reality checking. A recent study disclosed that a man should have sex at least 21 times a month for optimal health. That means our wives should participate in helping us be as healthy as we can be and participate in this healthy activity. Sadly, there was not a correlating study for woman but since we are designed to work together, it ought to be pretty close to the same, wouldn’t it be?

Yet when we get married or move in together, we promise like happy puppies that we will love our partner and part of that promise usually includes fidelity but offers no performance standards – It is like giving a blank check to a salesperson and trusting that he or she will write in the amount you want to pay. Marriage is such an important contract and we jump into it with the thought process almost completely paralyzed by emotion. In reality, should our love partner get tired, injured or lazy or not find us as attractive or desirable as before, we are expected to live with it.

We must realize that sex is a hunger which is frequently more powerful than other hungers we have -- like for food or acceptance. If there were no food in the house, I would go shopping or go out to eat. Why then, if my sexual needs aren’t fulfilled, should I starve at home because I made a promise to eat at home long ago, when there was plenty of food in the kitchen? In fairness, why should my wife starve if I am no longer able to feed her needs?

Fidelity failure is called cheating but the usual cause of it is a failure on the part of the spouse of the cheater to satisfy the appetite of the partner. Should one spouse starve because the other can't or won't make a meal? Of course not. The hungry spouse can decide what to cook or whether or not to go out to eat and there is no taboo in that situation.

Success gurus through the ages have taught us to be responsible for ourselves and not make anyone else responsible for our happiness. The more free we want to be, the more responsible we must become for meeting our own needs.

If infidelity by itself is enough to destroy a relationship, then the relationship was not predicated on much more than sex and trust. A deep relationship – one I submit is worth having – could not be destroyed by infidelity – that is such a minor part of a multi-faceted and interdependent relationship of two people who choose to be together.

If marriages are commonly so superficial that infidelity could kill it, then it is no wonder more than half of all marriages end in divorce. A well-balanced, independent person will take responsibility for meeting his or her own needs and will not blame the other for any failure to meet it within the relationship.

By the same token, the spouse who goes out of the relationship to satisfy what is not available within the relationship should not be faulted for living a full and complete life as he or she chooses.

If I were to marry again, I’d put that in the vows. You and I will be faithful as long as we are willing and able to fulfill each other's needs.

Most people wouldn’t sell a car just because it gets a few dings if it still runs fine. Similarly, if a small part of our relationship is not satisfying we should not cancel the whole thing just because of it.

Now, if you’re wondering why this is swirling in my head, it is because sex is like air: It is no big deal unless you don’t have any. I have had long periods of time without a willing wife and I don’t fault her because there are good reasons for it.

I chafe at the idiotic ideology that has long been a societal rule masquerading as morality -- but then I chafe at most rules made without considering the people involved and the situations they find themselves in.

Morality is often a one-size-fits-all proposition to the hypocrites that are most vocal about it. There are reasons and conditions and situations where these choices are a matter of self-preservation and often marital preservation by taking the pressure off the relationship. It is much like companies that have chosen to outsource some jobs in order to remain a viable company by remaining competitive.

Is it any more moral to require starvation and unhappiness living an unfulfilled life in order to be ‘true’ to a marriage? That kind of sadness and the anger that situation yields causes a festering that will eventually kill even the good parts of the marriage.

I have been married a total of 27 years across two marriages and I am more certain of this belief than ever before. If writing this is a prelude to my own infidelity I don’t know that yet. Perhaps it is. I know that I miss being intimate and I know I love my wife. Why should I be required to trade one for the other?

Freedom does indeed require taking responsibility for one’s own actions. I trust that my marriage would survive just about anything because we are partners in so many ways that we are inextricably linked for life.

I am devoted to my wife and my children --all my children – not just my biological kids. I am committed to them far more than any of them are committed to me and that is my choice..

Should I decide that I need more in my life, I will get it. It is my responsibility to meet my own needs. I trust that, should my discretion fail, my wife would accept it and carry on. On some level, she would feel hurt and I would regret that. If my need for intimacy ultimately supersedes her feelings, I will go down that road as discreetly as I can, not because I believe it to be wrong, I would be discreet to avoid hurt feelings. I don’t believe it to be wrong any more than meeting any other needs is wrong.

I am responsible for meeting my own needs and creating my own happiness. It isn’t up to anyone else. I choose to live my life fully and take responsibility for whatever consequences my choices entail.

I expect each person in my life to do the same. I would hope all to be responsible for oneself and not expect a partner to do it. That is one of the pitfalls in a relationship. When kindness and service freely given to a partner becomes expected and taken for granted, it is a common sign of a relationship in decay.

I want to guard against taking my partner for granted.

A partner should not to be taken for granted for two reasons. One, it diminishes the value of the gift and the spirit in which it is given, and two, by doing so it insults the giver by expecting it -- it is diminished by making it an activity of servitude rather than a gift of love.

I try to remember: Every meal made is special. Every foot rub, every pleasure given, every kindness is a gift – and an expression of love.

If fidelity is required, let it be the fidelity to living a life that is uncompromising and richly enjoyable.